• by Stephen W. Simpson, PhDCopyright Christianity Today International
• 20193 Oct

There are some myths out there that people assume to be gospel about dating, especially among Christians. Christian culture is like any other in that we develop truisms that we accept without verifying. There are 'Christian dating' ideas floating around that have little or nothing to do with the Bible.

Most are well intended and contain a nugget of truth. Some are flat-out wrong. Dating is hard enough without sifting through all this erroneous information, so let's debunk some myths around Christian dating. There are plenty of them, but let's focus on what I believe are the top five myths that make dating harder for Christian singles.

Christian Dating Myth #1: 'God has one woman and one man picked out for you to marry. You are destined to be with that one person, and God will guide you to her or him.'

Good luck finding this one in the Bible. There is plenty of stuff about God's will for his people, God wanting good things for you, and God's ultimate plan. Nowhere, however, does it say that God picked out a spunky brunette whom he's waiting to spring on you at the right moment. I'm not saying that he doesn't. When it comes to God, I'm pretty careful about saying what he does or doesn't do. But I do know this— if you rely on this idea too much, your dating life will get really confusing.

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Some Christians take a lot of comfort in the idea that God will do the heavy lifting when it comes to dating. God will tell them if a relationship is right, and God will end it if it's not. All they have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. This may be the biggest excuse men use for being lazy in relationships, much less finding one.

German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer addresses this issue in a wedding sermon he wrote for his sister from a Nazi jail cell. He says that God joins the relationship between a man and a woman at the point of marriage. Before that, the couple has to take the initiative.

Rather than directing the course of the relationship, God wants the couple to grow and learn how to make a commitment. Once they've done that, God increases his sustaining presence.

I'm not saying that God doesn't have a will regarding your dating life. God may, in fact, have a spunky brunette in mind, and he's steering you toward her as you read this. But the Bible does not promise that God will provide a loving relationship for you while you sit around and do nothing.

But, as in all things, it's best to ask for his guidance. The Bible promises he will provide that whenever we ask. Rely on God's love, wisdom, and sustaining presence while you're dating. Though God won't do all the work for you, he'll be with you every step of the way.

The good news is that most men don't have a problem with this. Regardless of your theology on the Predestination of Girlfriends, you're probably eager to be an active participant in your dating life. This brings us to our next myth.

Christian Dating Myth #2: 'The Bible has clearly defined guidelines for dating.'

People didn't date in biblical times, there is no such thing as 'Biblical Dating'. Dating as a socially accepted means of finding a mate has been around for less than a century. Before that, strict courtship rituals governed the path to marriage. Whom you married wasn't even up to you most of the time.

Falling in love before you got married or engaged is a twentieth-century concept. Dating as we know it occurred after marriage. In college, I had an older professor from Japan whose marriage had been arranged. He made fun of modern dating, saying, 'By the time you get married now, the fun is over. In an arranged marriage, the fun starts after the wedding!' (No, that wasn't a suggestion for you to set up an arranged marriage.)

For the Hebrews and the early church, dating wasn't an issue to be addressed in Scripture. Sex and marriage were, but not dating. When the Bible was written, a person basically had one of three options: remaining single, an immoral life with multiple partners or prostitutes, or an arranged marriage.

There were courtship rituals in place, but nothing that looks like what we consider dating today.

The church has reached a difficult crossroads when it comes to pre-marriage romance. We no longer have rituals of courtship and arranged marriage to guide us every step of the way. This leaves a lot of room for error. It's also spawned a whole range of opinions and advice on how to handle dating. One glance at the numerous books about love, dating, and marriage suggests that we're making a lot of this up as we go along.

Of course, there are biblical principles that are essential to dating. If you follow the biblical prescriptions for gentleness, respect, sexual purity, and kindness (Gal. 5:19-23), you are bound to make much better decisions in dating situations. Your head and your heart should be in Scripture at all times, but you won't find specific guidelines for dating. Is it okay to kiss before marriage? The answer isn't in the Bible (though the Song of Solomon sure gives us a clue).

How about going out on dates alone? Nope, not in there either. The Bible provides some crucial relational principles but doesn't address the specifics.

This requires more decision-making on your part. You can't follow antiquated courtship rituals anymore. (At least I don't advise it. Asking a woman's father if you can date his daughter without consulting her first might be a good way to never get a first date.)

You also don't have a scriptural field manual that tells you how to behave in every situation. It's up to you to be in prayer and conversation with your Christian community about these things. You're going to have to think, talk, pray, and be ready to make some mistakes. Speaking of mistakes, let's look at our next myth.

Christian Dating Myth #3: 'God will reveal to you the man or woman that you are going to marry the instant you meet him or her.'

If this is true, I screwed up somewhere. I thought my wife was out of my league when I met her. We had a nice conversation, but I left thinking that she wouldn't go out with a guy like me. Regardless, I didn't get a divine telegram saying, 'She's the one! Start picking out china patterns!'

Waiting for God to whack you on the head and tell you whom to marry isn't faith; it's fear. Many people want nothing to do with dating because of the risk and potential pain that it involves. This is certainly understandable, as dating can have traumatic results in unhealthy circumstances. But what do you think serves us better in the long run? Growing and suffering in the process of learning or a revelation that lets us off the hook?

I would have loved to know that the beautiful woman I was talking to would one day be my wife, but I might not have worked as hard to earn her hand in marriage. I would have missed a lot of experiences that made me a better man.

Be careful if you think God has told you that Betty from the bookstore is the one for you, but you have no idea if she feels the same way. If you plunge in, convinced that you are on a mission from God, and she's not sure yet, it's a quick way to scare her off. Our unconscious mind can kick up powerful feelings that sometimes get mistaken for a message from God.

Maybe she was nicer to you than anyone you've met in a long time. Maybe she's the first woman you ever met that likes Cracker Jacks as much as you do. Or maybe she's just drop-dead gorgeous. Of course, a woman who's nice, white-hot cute, and likes Cracker Jacks might be someone you want to ask on a date. I just wouldn't go ring shopping yet. Especially if you want a second date.

Christian Dating Myth #4: 'You have to be friends with a man or woman before you can date.'

This is the point where I might tick off some of you, so allow me to assuage your anger before I explain this myth. I am not saying that you cannot or should not be friends before dating. I'm also not talking about a man and a woman who are interested in each other and agree to be friends for a period before dating.

Some of the most successful relationships begin in friendship. Sometimes you don't even know you want to date someone until you are friends with her. I've met couples who were friends for years and then fell in love. It's a super way to start a relationship. The problem is that a lot of men think the best way to pursue a woman is to befriend her while hiding their interest in dating her. This is a rotten idea and sets a lot of men up for trouble.

Tommy was a client of mine who tried this approach. He had been interested in a woman at his church for a few months, but he was terrified of rejection. So he made his best effort to become her friend, never letting on that he wanted to be her boyfriend. He gave her rides to church, had coffee with her, and talked to her on the phone two or three times a week. Whenever she needed help or support, Tommy was there.

But he never asked her out. Then another man in the church asked her out, and she accepted. When she shared the news with Tommy, he was devastated. He told her about his true feelings, and she was shocked. She was hurt that he didn't tell her sooner and expressed regret that he'd never asked her out. However, she refused to back out of the date with the other guy. It proved the end of their friendship, and Tommy retreated into frustration and despair.

You have to be honest about what you're doing. Don't kid yourself and don't lie to her. Be friends all you want, but if you want to date her, she needs to know and you need to ask her out.

Some people distinguish 'dating' from 'friendship' based on one thing: physical intimacy. More specifically, kissing. A man and a woman who are interested in each other remain 'friends' by going out only on group dates and refraining from intimate contact of any description. Apparently, this means they aren't dating. Whatever.

Friendship and dating are categorically different. Of course, you must be friends with the person you date, but there's much more to it. The emotional 'heat' that occurs between people in a romantic relationship is both more exhilarating and more complicated than friendship.

People have higher expectations for someone they're considering for marriage. Friendship cannot contain the emotions, intensity, and intimacy that dating does. If you and a woman are hot for each other, you aren't 'just friends.' I don't care if you go out on dates alone or with the whole church choir.

It also doesn't matter if you wear a HAZMAT suit and stay ten feet away from her at all times. If romance is the goal of a man and woman's relationship, they are dating. Confuse it with friendship at your peril.

Christian Dating Myth #5: 'A man's sexuality is a ravenous, snarling beast that should be kept in a cage until he's married.'

I admit I've never heard it put that way, but the implication is out there. Any lecture or book on dating inevitably includes something about sex (and, yes, this one does too). Frequently, the message is 'Control yourself! Your sex drive is out to get you! It's just waiting for one weak moment to jump out and turn you into a nymphomaniac and demolish your soul.'

And then we wonder why so many Christians end up with sexual problems, both before and after marriage.

The Bible tells us to save sex for marriage (1Cor. 7:2). That's crucial. But you knew that already. The problem is we tend to emphasize this prohibition and leave it at that. No one talks about sexuality before marriage because sex before marriage is bad.

This leaves us with a small problem. Our sexuality is part of who we are from the moment we're born. If you take away a man's sexuality, you take away his identity. Your sexuality will be there, playing an active role, from the moment you ask a woman out.

In fact, without sexuality, men wouldn't date. They'd play video games and eat pizza. Our sexuality is what gets us interested in women in the first place, and that's a good thing.

Did you think God gave you a sex drive just to torture you until you got married? There are plenty of things God does that I don't understand, but he's not cruel.

Many people confuse sexual drives with sinful desires. Though sexual drives, like all drives, can become sinful, they're holy in their raw state. Yes, I said holy. Your sex drive comes from God. If you don't think that makes it holy, take it up with him.

The trick we have to pull off is holy, healthy expression of our sexuality before marriage. It's not easy, but it can be done. It will look different for different people, but it needs to be expressed. Otherwise, it will force its way out.

Look at the crisis of Internet pornography running rampant through the church. Men are dying for a way to embrace and express their sex drives. You can't ignore your sexuality, and you can't white-knuckle your way through life until your wedding night. Your sexuality isn't bad. It's not sinful or dirty. It's a gift from God, and we need to figure out a way to embrace that gift before marriage.

Excerpted from What Women Wish You Knew About Dating: A Single Guy's Guide to Romantic Relationships. Used by permission of Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, copyright ©2008. All rights to this material are reserved. Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Baker Publishing Group.http://www.BakerPublishingGroup.com

Main photo by ©Unsplash/RawPixel

Article ID: JAF5371 By: Ellen Mary Dykas

This article first appeared in the CHRISTIAN RESEARCH JOURNAL, volume 37, number 01 (2014). The full text of this article in PDF format can be obtained by clicking here. For further information or to subscribe to the CHRISTIAN RESEARCH JOURNAL go to: http://www.equip.org/christian-research-journal/

SYNOPSIS

To follow Jesus faithfully means we need to reorient our values and priorities radically. One radical value Jesus proclaimed was that single men and women had equal standing in His kingdom. Society, which up to that point was centered on marriage and family, was now to include those who were unmarried as valued and equal partners. The apostle Paul and church father John Calvin, counter to the thinking of their time, proclaimed the surprising worth of being single and celibate, echoing Jesus’ words. Singles are complete in Christ just as much as those who are married. But Christian singles do have a life journey that does not include the experiences of sexual expression that married couples enjoy (or, to be honest, of those who choose to live outside of God’s design for our sexuality). We know this is not easy, especially as we live in a culture that often proclaims sexual pleasure as the highest of all human experiences (and its counterpoint: to deny oneself in this area is to live a life of great tragedy). Singles of all ages need a constant infusion of the gospel to steward their sexuality as an overflow of the beauty and power that comes from devotion to Christ.

“‘Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ And He [Jesus] answered him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matt. 22:36–39).

“Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things will be added to you” (Matt. 6:33).¹

WHAT IS GOD’S PLAN FOR SAINTS WHO ARE SINGLE?

The Christian life might be summed up this way: it is a lifestyle of loving and obedient devotion to Christ, which bears out in a commitment to love people with relational integrity, and to participate actively in His kingdom mission of disciple-making. This two-pronged mission, to love and to participate in Christ’s kingdom-oriented reordering of the world, is for everyone. Those who are single in this life (short-term or life-long) have this same two-pronged mission, but they live it out uniquely without a spouse and, in part, through consistent and obedient stewarding of their sexuality.

Before discussing godly single sexuality, it’s important to remember that our sexuality is not a stand-alone component of who we are. Our sexuality is but one aspect of our being, of being created in the image of God. Our sexuality is best understood through the lens of the broader Christian life of devotion to Jesus that bears out in our day-to-day decisions and priorities.

A Lifestyle of Devotion to Jesus and Kingdom Focus

Jesus Christ and Paul declared the single life to be good, and even to be desired, because marriage and the responsibilities attached to it (spiritual, emotional, sexual, relational, mental, and financial) can be a distraction from Christ and the broader ministry of the kingdom. Jesus said, “There are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it” (Matt. 19:12, ESV). Paul echoed this observation in 1 Corinthians 7:32: “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife” (ESV).

John Piper elaborates on what Jesus and Paul said:

We need not take this (“made themselves eunuchs”) to mean any kind of physical sterilization any more than we take Jesus’ words “tear out your right eye” to mean physically blinding ourselves. But it does mean that Jesus approves some of his followers’ renouncing marriage and sexual activity for the sake of serving Christ’s kingdom. “Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” That is what Paul chose for himself and what he encouraged others to consider in 1 Corinthians 7. “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am….I say this…to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”²

What Jesus and Paul said was revolutionary! To proclaim that singleness was good and even preferable to marriage was unheard of in a culture where marriage and family were considered the only blessed state. Paul’s encouragement was anchored in his conviction that devotion to Christ is supreme, not one’s spouse or family or genealogical line. Undistracted, unhindered love and obedience to Jesus is what the Christian life is all about, whether a person is single or married. But both Jesus and Paul taught that being single is preferable in order to remain focused on an undivided life lived for kingdom purposes.

Calvin explained the blessing of singleness this way when he commented on 1 Corinthians 7:35: “For what purpose celibacy is to be desired—not on its own account, nor on the ground of its being a state that is nearer to perfection, but that we may cleave to God without distraction—that being the one thing that a Christian man [or woman] ought exclusively to look to during his whole life.”³ Calvin, a married man, agreed with Paul and Jesus in proclaiming that singles can potentially cleave to Jesus, attending on Him through loving devotion and service, in a far less distracted way than married people.

The celibate life is often only defined as a sexless life. But to view it only from the perspective of what you “can’t have,” rather than what you “can have” is to miss what Jesus, Paul, and Calvin are saying. The single life—yes, including abstinence—is so much more. Calvin was right in teaching that Scripture does not promote a celibate, single life as being more spiritual than a married, sexually active life. But it is not “less than” a married life, either; it is a different signpost that points to the supremacy of Christ.

Singles, living without the gift of a spouse and choosing to abstain from sexual expression outside of marriage, have a richer opportunity to attend on Christ through daily relational devotion to Him and purposeful investment in the kingdom of God. In fact, in many ways, the intense battle to be faithful to God through sexual abstinence provides the context for cultivating a close dependence on Jesus. The absence of a spouse, and perhaps children, provides time, energy, and a relational focus that can be poured into loving others and a broad spectrum of rich relationships. In other words, the “lack” that singles experience is meant to be a doorway into an abundantly fruitful life—spiritually, relationally, and vocationally for the eternal kingdom of Christ.

A PATH OF BOTH SANCTIFICATION AND SUFFERING

This abundant and fruitful life, however, isn’t the way many singles experience the call to live apart from sharing sexual love with a spouse. Rather, the experience of singleness with sexual integrity is often seen as impossible; it’s not, but it’s important not to assume it’s an easy life, as it can be excruciatingly tough at times. The call to bend the knee of our will and our desires (physical, mental, emotional, and sexual) to Jesus Christ our Lord is only possible with God’s help. Singles are not alone, however, in needing Christ to live lives of sexual integrity. Married couples oftentimes experience deep loneliness in difficult stretches of their marriages, and they, too, must equally depend on the mercy and power of Christ to remain faithful. So singles must not think they are the only ones pulling the heavy freight of resisting sexual temptation in life.

Sexual integrity for every human being is an experience of both sanctification and suffering. Sanctification, because as we battle to slay sin and to live fully for Christ, we learn to entrust Him with every area of our lives, and in doing so we grow in Christlikeness. (See 1 Pet. 1:6–9.) Suffering, because resisting the enticement of sin and temptation is a trial common to humanity and an unavoidable reality of living in a sinful world. (See 1 Cor. 10:13–14.)

Sexual integrity for the single person will always be connected to relational and emotional purity. What do I mean? One of the missional directives of the Christian life is a lifestyle of loving and obedient devotion to Christ, which bears out in a commitment to love people with relational integrity.

It follows from this directive that the way I relate to others through my words, actions, and physical touch will be critical. Relational and emotional integrity (purity) is a way of loving others that does not step outside of God’s boundaries for sexual expression. To put it bluntly, when we engage others, or ourselves, in sexual ways that are outside of His boundaries, we are living in rebellion to Christ by turning to others or ourselves rather than to Him to find life in the midst of a broken world.⁴ Instead of living out a commitment to love others, we become devoted to self and pleasure, all the while deceiving ourselves that we are engaged in loving actions. How so?

The gospel compels us as single men and women, deeply loved by our Father, to live in this world as “sent ones” who, in response to Jesus’ love for us, commit to love others selflessly, for their benefit and for their good. To truly love means (to put it negatively):

• To not covet, crave, lust after, or worship another person.
• To not pursue or manipulate someone into a level of emotional intimacy that properly belongs only between spouses. We might refer to this as emotional integrity or purity, and I’ve observed that it is often overlooked because sexual purity is a much more obvious problem. However, there is wisdom in not cultivating emotional intimacy, which is more “spousal” than brotherly/sisterly. Emotional dependency (inappropriate emotional intimacy) can happen when we share feelings, thoughts, desires, and issues of the heart that cultivate a sense of oneness that can feel like a “pseudo-marriage.” This can happen between same-sex as well as opposite-sex friends.
• To not cross appropriate boundary lines with sexual touching (clothed or unclothed, with self or with others) that leads to inappropriate arousal and climax.
• To not engage in activities that ramp up sexual temptation, such as online pornography and its variations (phone sex, sexting, etc.), along with reading erotic and romantic fantasies—activities that eventually will fill our thought lives with images and sexual experiences that are not ours to possess and are actually destructive.

There is a need today to spell out what these boundary lines are, as there is rampant confusion regarding the expression of our sexuality among believers. But defining boundary lines must always be done in the context of how they work to enrich our relationships with others; they are not lines that function only in a legalistic sense (“Don’t go too far!”). So, to spell out positively what it means to love others truly as a single man or woman, we read in 1 John 5:1–2: “If you believe that Jesus is the Christ—that he is God’s Son and your Savior—then you are a child of God. And all who love the Father love his children too. So you can find out how much you love God’s children—your brothers and sisters in the Lord—by how much you love and obey God” (The Living Bible).

Did you catch that? Jesus says I can know whether I am loving others by whether I am loving and obeying Him. The horizontal must always connect to the vertical. They are not to be separated. So, if I’m engaging in sexual intimacy with you (physical or emotional, real or virtual) apart from the safety, promise, and commitment of marriage, then I’m not loving you at all; I’m using you (even if it’s mutual selfishness). Godly love is that which enables and assists another person to live faithfully to Christ and His commands. It honors our sexuality while acknowledging that to use it wrongly is harmful and detrimental to both our lives; that disordered and self-centered sexuality hinders our growth (sanctification) toward becoming people who reflect Christ.

Let’s admit, though, that this is not easy to do. We must acknowledge that turning away from these constant temptations and clinging to Christ is not something we can do on our own. Take heart! Jesus has not left us to find a way on our own, struggling through temptation, failure, guilt, shame, and discouragement.

Jesus Is with Us: Practical Provision for Our Sexual Struggles

My own struggles as a single woman (emotional, sexual, and relational) have been varied throughout my four decades of life. I have known moments and seasons of defeat. I have learned to identify, however, one consistent thread that gave power to my feelings of discouragement: identifying myself primarily as a struggling single who happens to be a Christian, rather than as a Christian who happens to be single (and sometimes struggles). Is this word play or semantics? Not at all. How we identify ourselves is profoundly important, and is foundational to how we face the temptations of being single. As a single-in-Christ woman, I must first look to Jesus and who He says I am (complete in Him). He teaches me how to live in this fallen world of temptation, loneliness, and unmet desires. As I increasingly grow in faithfulness to Him, not denying my sexuality but guarding it, I can then devote myself more fully to the mission God has given me as a single person—a lifestyle of devotion to Christ, which bears out in a commitment to love people with relational integrity, and to actively participate in His kingdom mission.

How does this look practically, on the street level of our lives? It starts with a foundational perspective that I must cultivate daily: Jesus gives me Himself. Not only am I “in Christ” but He is within me, and all who believe in Him as Savior-Lord. This means that at all times I have:

Someone I belong to and who is with me in all circumstances and experiences. (See John 14:18, 23.) When I feel “less than” or a “have-not” because I don’t share a bed, experience sexual love, or check the “Mrs.” box on a form, I can remember Jesus, my eternal bridegroom and friend. When I’m invited to bridal showers and know that friends will get married, have sex, and bear children, Jesus gives me grace to rejoice with those who rejoice, and He also gives me grace to be honest about my grief when I ache and weep for those same blessings.

A way of escape, a Rescuer who is constantly present to enable me to resist temptation when my body, emotions, or thoughts long for the intimacy of oneness with a spouse. (See 1 Cor. 10:13 and Matt. 26:34–35.)

A secure identity:I am His, loved and forgiven. When I succumb to devotion to self through lust, selfishness, and self- pity, and feel the pull to use people for my own emotional comfort, Jesus turns my heart back to Himself, reminding me of who I am and what is mine through Him. (See Eph. 5:1–2 and 1 Thess. 1:9–10.)

All the treasures of wisdom and knowledge always at my disposal. Jesus is the One in whom all this treasure is hidden, and since my life is secure, “ hidden” in Him, He gives me everything I need for life and godliness as a single woman. I’ve leaned on this truth through my twenties, thirties, and now forties. This wisdom has helped me navigate the world of dating, unreciprocated strong attraction to certain men, and the world of my ministry work, which for twenty-five years has required me to work closely alongside many men. (See Col. 1:27; 2:3.)

Brothers and sisters in Christ who help and shepherd me in stewarding my sexuality. As “branches abiding in the Vine” together, we help each other to live devoted to Jesus. This is the community on Earth that He gives to teach, counsel, guide, know, and love us in our successes, failures, and struggles to live as single saints. I have a spiritual family to whom I can confess my sin and be prayed for and spurred on to love Jesus. (See Heb. 3:12, 13; 10:24, 25.)

A kingdom calling to be engaged in. This has everything to do with living in godly unmarried sexuality. We abstain from certain things, but also fully participate in others—such as His holy work in this world (See Eph. 2:10; 1 Pet. 2:9–10).

A forgiving King,who welcomes me to come to the throne of grace for mercy and help when I fail to believe any of the above, and give way to sin. When I’ve used friends (female and male) to make myself feel good; when I’ve lingered on sensual entertainment (a song, movie scene, picture on a billboard) to satisfy an unholy curiosity; when jealousy and discontentment inflame me, and my thoughts toward others become bitter; regardless of my foolishness and sin, I am always invited and tenderly welcomed into the arms of Jesus (Heb. 4:16).

In Christ I have all of this at my disposal. Jesus “with me” is not an abstract notion that has no real power in my daily life. But in order to take what Jesus has given to all of us so that it becomes more central to our hearts, consider the following steps of faith:

Cultivate your relationship with Jesusthrough prayer, reading and meditating upon God’s Word, and spending time with people who love Him (Matt. 22:36–37).

Singles Free Christian

Learn how to starve the flesh and feed the Spirit through seeking to understand what influences help you to walk in sexual and emotional integrity and what influences hinder you. Analyze the kinds of music, movies, and TV shows you partake in, taking note of their impact on you. Examine your relational world and watch out for people who pull you away from Christ, rather than toward Him (Gal. 6:7–8).⁵

Make a commitment to pray for and cultivate relationships in which you are truly known. God has brothers and sisters to assist you in your singleness. We need people who have “meddling rights,” who will come after us with love and probing questions whether we ask for it or not. Do you have friends like this? (1 John 1:7; Prov. 28:13).

Intentionally and consistently renew your mind for transformation. The world is constantly preaching to our souls. Regardless of what sexualized influences and experiences you’ve already had, every Christian needs to battle intentionally against worldly thinking (Rom. 8:5–8; 12:1–2).

Messianic Singles

Know your body and physiological weaknesses. Know your body, because we are embodied souls. For example: women need to know their hormonal cycle and be aware of what times of the month they may be more prone toward sexual desires being stirred up. Men and women need to know how their bodies react to certain visual, tactile, and audio stimuli. Reflect on how God is calling you to love Him through the use of your body (1 Thess. 5:23).

Grow in understanding how your heart is always worshiping. At any given moment, you are living out Jeremiah 2:13 (turning away from Christ to the world) or 1 Thessalonians 1:9–10 (turning away from the world to Christ). We live for something or someone; that’s our created nature.

What a relief for singles (whether youth, young adults, older adults, or seniors) to know that we have a constant and faithful God who enables us to live with our sexuality in a godly manner, and who also provides us with guidance and practical encouragement through the wisdom of His Word and His people. “Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory, blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen” (Jude 1:24–25, CSB).

Ellen Mary Dykas serves with Harvest USA (www.harvestusa.org), a national organization that exists to bring the truth and mercy of Jesus Christ to people affected by sexual struggles and sin, and to equip churches to minister to sexually broken people.

Upward Christian Fellowship

NOTES

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1. All Bible references are from the New American Standard Bible unless otherwise noted.
2. John Piper, This Momentary Marriage (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2009), 112.
3. Calvin’s Commentary on the Bible. Available at http://www.studylight.org/com/cal/view.cgi?bk=45&ch=7..
4. See articles on godly and broken sexuality in Harvest USA’s women’s workbook, Sexual Sanity for Women: Healing from Sexual and Relational Brokenness (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2013), 168−72.
5. Harvest USA has resources specifically to assist men and women to live with integrity in their sexuality and relationships.